Who am I?

The beginning of last year catapulted me into a spiritual awakening. No, it hasn't been all beauty and love and light. It's been hard and I didn't ask for any of it, it just started to happen. I had to take a step back from everything and everyone I knew. It was confusing and frustrating. It's hard to watch as life goes on when you feel like your world is falling to pieces. It hurt so deeply. I never want anyone I know to ever experience what I have gone through. There were times I felt all alone in my pain and in my experiences. Times, when I felt like I was going insane and I would question everything going on around me.

It takes time to heal. I had been brought down to a place last year that was the lowest I had ever been to. Losing my sister came with so many emotions. Guilt for what I could have done and should have done, immense pain and heartache, a longing that can never be filled, hurt for the life she never got to live, regret for the things I didn't say and not getting out of the car that last time I saw her I gave her a hug. Knowing something bad has happened to someone you love so much can cause so much disruption in your everyday life. I would constantly think about the way she passed, was she alone? Was anyone there with her? Why didn't anyone care enough to call for help? Was she scared? Did she feel pain, or even know what was happening? I couldn't eat, I couldn't sleep, I couldn't do anything else except replay the last moments of what I thought my sister lived on this earth over and over until I was physically sick. I cannot change any of it now and I do not dwell on wishing I can change it as much as I used to. There was so much mixed into my awakening that I wanted to give up several times and just curl up into a ball and not get up again. There's this little voice inside of me and it tells me I'm worth more, and I need to keep going. I listen to it. That voice holds feelings of peace and an inner knowing that could never be my own. When I look back at the pages of my journal, they are filled with words and inspirations that are not mine. They come from a place of love and understanding, kindness and non-judgment. They are encouraging and tell me I am more than I ever thought I could be. I do not think these things about myself. I have struggled with most of my life having extremely low self-esteem and low self-worth. In developing my spirituality I have become more loving and accepting of myself and my faults.

I have come from a past full of hurt and deceit and I can now accept this past does not define who I am. I am not all these terrible things that have happened to me. I am whatever I decide I am and that is that. No one else's definition of myself is who I am, I have had to accept that. I have had to learn you have to love yourself first before you can start to actually love the people who are in your life. Loving myself makes me feel whole and in turn, gives me a better outlook on life and helps me to have more hope for things to come. I had a shift in perspective. Instead of a focus on the negative and what I had lost, focus now on what I have been given, what I've worked hard for this far, and try to live the life I know my sister deserved to have. I am now more focused on what's going to make me happy. What do I like? Who am I? What have I been told about who I am and how much do I hold onto of this? So many of the values I kept for myself were accumulations of negative responses I held onto which had no value to me at all. It was only causing me pain and baggage. Thinking you are never worthy or going to amount to anything can have such a large toll on you. My childhood left me in a lot of ways feeling unsupported and useless. The people around me who truly love me never thought these things, and so it was confusing to see these different pieces of me. I started to peel back all the layers and find out why I felt these ways and thought all these things about myself. I now have self-worth and appreciation. I now finally feel like I'm deserving of the good things that come into my life and to have a good life. When I feel happy and full I can spread that to the people I love who deserve the best of me. I am doing things I love doing now, without fear of judgment because this IS who I am. The people not accepting of who I am, do not have a place in my life. I do not need the negativity nor am I asking for it. I stepped out of my comfort zone and I am learning to be aware and live in the present. I'm tired of living in fear and always having anxiety about the next thing happening, it's completely exhausting. I know the power of my words along with the hurt and the healing they can create and I choose to be responsible for that. I know my part in everything and what I've played and where I am now. I don't hold blame my past for the things I have been through that I could not change, I have been through a lot but It's made me the exact person I am now so I must be grateful for the things I've learned and for never putting myself into situations like that again. I realize now I was only doing my best with what I knew at that point in time, and that's all I could ever ask for.

My purpose is clearer than ever, enjoy life. Love everyone with all your heart even when they cause you pain. Cherish every single moment making so many little things special that you may have missed before. Each hug and laugh I get from my girls, each kiss I get from my husband, every day that I wake up and get to live life again. I can look back now and see the blessings I have been given. Spread love and kindness to anyone you can. It hasn't been easy but I'm working on it and will continue to grow and spread my love and knowledge where it's wanted. Spirit has shown me the beauty in my life, I can never go back, and I am so grateful to be here now. It's not the end, there will still be struggles to face, tough times, and heartaches. I am still grieving and missing my sister with all my heart, but I have given myself strength and a stronger mindset to help deal with anything coming my way. With all that being said, know that whatever you are facing or going through you do not have to face it alone. There is always someone out there who cares, who understands, and who appreciates you. Reach out and find these people. They can be so beneficial when it feels like everything is failing. Know you are worth a good life and know that you deserve to be happy. There is always room for change and growth. I am always here for anyone who wants to talk. Live in the now, Love in the now. ❤